Monday, July 19, 2010

Memorial Box Moment

I want to share the special story of my daughter, Jael.  Let me give you a little background first.  I had my first child twelve years ago.  It was a seamless experience and we were blessed with a 10 lb. baby girl that we named Keren.  When she was about two years old, we thought we were ready to try and have another baby.  This was the beginning of a very long journey for my husband and I.  During the next several years we had five miscarriages.  We were broken hearted and so unsure of what God was doing in our lives.   We knew that we wanted more children and yet we couldn't figure out what kept going wrong.  The doctors could find nothing wrong with me and we were so thankful for this.  We continued to pray and seek God's guidance and finally things started to unfold in a way that we could understand.  So many things happened during these next few years, but I will save them for another Memorial Monday...and focus on Jael.

I went to a Ladies Advance with two friends shortly after my fifth miscarriage.  I was so heartbroken and was a walking wound.  This Advance overwhelmed me emotionally and spiritually.  God did many things to heal me during this weekend and helped me to begin to find peace and heal after the loss of my children.  I had learned to not take our ability to have children for granted and knew that our having any more birth children was completely up to God.  He knew that even though we were going to adopt, me heart still yearned to have another birth child as well.  By the end of the conference, He gave me two promises that He fulfilled.

The first promise came in the form of a verse:  "and none will miscarry or be barren in your land"  (Exodus 23:26)  I received this verse as a promise that I would not miscarry again and that I would have another birth child at some point.   I had no idea how tightly I would be clinging to this verse in the future.

The second promise was in the name Jael.  As we studied the story or Jael, the Lord pressed upon my heart that I would have a girl one day and her name was to be Jael.  I was overjoyed and shouting from the roof tops.

In the meantime, we had decided to begin the adoption process and were waiting to bring our beautiful daughter, Lydia, home from South Korea.  A month after the retreat we conceived and both husband and I were overjoyed.  I tried to fight back my fears of losing the baby and constantly referenced my promise verse in order to beat back any nagging doubts.  We were overjoyed with the thought of giving our daughter two more siblings.  You can only imagine the surprise I had when I found out I was carrying a boy.  I was shocked and super excited.  The Lord was still going to grow our family.

When we announced that we were going to have a boy, several people told us to name him Jael.  I knew this was not what the Lord wanted.  He had made it clear that this name belonged to a girl.  So, people suggested that we name our soon to be adopted daughter Jael, but again, we knew that this name was for a birth child and we had already decided to name our adopted daughter Lydia, after someone that my husband had loved very much as a child.  So, hubby and I enjoyed and relished knowing that we were going to have at least one more birth child in the future.

Things moved very quickly during the next few months.  We brought Lydia home from Korea when she was four months old.  Two months later, our son, Gabriel, was born and when he was seven months old, we conceived again.  My pregnancy with Gabriel had been smooth and uneventful.  I was hoping for the same thing with the next pregnancy.

Of course, we went into the doctor's right away and they did an ultra sound.  The technician said that she could not see a heartbeat and that our baby was dead.  You can only imagine how my heart split apart.  There was no way this could be happening!  God had given me His promise that I would never miscarry again!!!  The doctor asked me to come back in a week for a follow up visit and then hubby and I drove home, crushed by grief.

The next week proved to be one of the biggest spiritual battles in all of my walk with God.  I laid in bed for days crying out to him that He could not lie.  He had given me the verse that I would not miscarry again and He could not lie.  I spent the whole week wrestling with God about what I knew to be true about Him and that my losing the baby was counter to Him being The Truth.  I began spotting and still, I cried out to him.

I went in for another ultrasound and what the tech saw on the screen stopped her short.  My baby had a heartbeat.  I started crying and she rushed out of the room to tell the doctor.  You can only imagine the humble apology I got from the doctor.  However, since I was spotting, she said I would probably lose the baby.  I told her I wouldn't and we went home.  I spotted for 18 weeks.

We found out that we were going to have a girl and our victory cry was in the name:  Jael.  We were blessed with a healthy and happy baby and our family grew to four children (three, of which, came to us in less than two years).  The Lord had prepared our hearts and we enjoyed every moment.  Our oldest daughter had the siblings she so desperately wanted, even though she denies it today, and we were walking on the Lord's promises.  What an awesome place to be.




...and that is one of our Memorial Box Moments that proved the Lord's faithfulness and wonderous and mysterious ways.


1 comment:

  1. Hi, I'm visiting from Linny's blog and I love this story - it is amazing! Your children are beautiful, and yes, your hands are full of gold! Thanks for sharing your story. :)