Friday, June 8, 2012

Soul Garden

"When His lamp shone upon my head, and when by His light I walked through darkness..."  Job 29:3

I must admit that I am walking heavy in heart right now.  Nothing extreme going on, just the dealings of one's own sinfulness, weaknesses, ghosts and roots that need to be pulled out from my heart's core.  I feel the Lord pressing down upon me while the enemy attacks from within and it is making me weary.  

I am so thankful that I am not walking without the Lord and that I can see and feel and know His presence in my life.   Knowing the Lord's love for me is sustaining me but not decreasing the heaviness in my heart.  I have been here before with the Lord and I know that He is refining me and that given time I will discover all the wisdom He has for me at this time in my life.  I know that He will continue to reveal Himself to me in His timing and that I know with my yearning heart that He is the balm that I am desperately seeking.  I am trying to be patient and to rest in His timing and guidance.  Oh, but how difficult that can be at times and for me that time is RIGHT NOW!!

God has created me to be hopeful, joyful as I live within Him.  I am trying to grab onto His promises right now as I contend with the waves of the world and sin.  

I am grief stricken by the pain of God's children both near and far and the helpless feeling that seems to try and dig it's claws into my heart.  My heart cries out in prayer and my mind screams that this isn't enough.  I know that at this point I am called to prayer and that I must wrestle against the negativity that wants it's way within my mind.  I am not called into "greater" action and am reminding myself that next to Gods' mighty hands sweeping back and forth over the earth, that there is nothing stronger against the enemy than prayer.  I am singing psalms and hymns of praise because my Abba Father is stronger and mightier than he that is in the world.  I cling to the promise of Jesus' return and trust that all is a part of God's mighty plan.

I am being plucked of the roots that stem from childhood injuries and did not see it coming.  I am being called to work through "issues" that stem from hurtful familial relationships and I am frustrated because I had thought I had already contended with them.  I am mere clay in my Father's hands and I must strive to remain soft and supple.  I have many "duh" moments as I chide myself for thinking I was going to have a season of ease and am reminded that growth is painful.  

I am being called to be brave in new ways and I am fighting against it.  I want to tuck my head in the sand and not emerge until called to my triumphal entry into the heavenlies.  Just hearing these words run through my mind makes me laugh and then groan as I embrace their honesty.  Especially in the face of knowing God's will is truly my heart's desire.   

God is gently reminding me of His love and presence as I walk through this certain valley.  The irony of His timing does not escape me as I plant and weed my garden in preparation for the growing season.  I love seeing the Lord's word weaved in and through my daily walk and I am always deeply reflective as I unleash my shovel and hoe upon the soil in hopes of creating the ideal environment for the tender shoots waiting to be planted.  I am aware of the scriptural truths that come alive as I plant and water and prune my plants with the hopes of their providing a mighty bounty.  

The Lord's hand is always upon me and this is the essence of growing closer to Him.  A process full of mystery as well as pain and worth every tear and squeezing of my heart.  A bounty awaits me as I deny myself and embrace Him.  I know that if I submit to Him during the season in which He has called me forth on this specific path, I will be rewarded with His peace and a new intimacy that crowds out everything else in my life.  

I am feeling a bit better after fleshing out these thoughts and am hoping that His revelations will continue to spring forth as I continue to rest in the shadow of His mighty wings.

1 comment:

  1. Old friend, it's been so long since we've talked but I wonder how you are. I'm so glad I found your blog. I relate to much of what you are feeling right now, for I am feeling the same things. I'll be praying for you.
    Heather C.